REAL!

Its hard to express oneself when the people around you think its a joke..
and they assumed that they know you better that yourself...
Isn't that funny?..

how life mend itself with the assumption that THEY mold you into one?
Doesn't that make you laugh when all this time they only knew you with a mask on?

Doesn't that just want to make you laugh even more
when they say they know you like the back of their hands?...

When all they learn until now was SHIT...
Life is what YOU made
is what YOU mold YOURSELF into...

NOT how they MAKE you...

But you couldn't help to wonder..
If its really you or is this something you do for them...

That's what i think...
Always...
I want to grow up..
but no one seem to believe it...

im 19 but im stuck in something im not even cleared with...
Sometimes I feel lucky to have lived in this world..
but most of the time I kept on wondering..Why im here...

Or am I lucky enough to have this life or is it a punishment to god?
Either way..Why I deserve this?

People say...Just be thankful you're alive and never to question god's intention..
Im just merely asking..because im curious...

Sometimes it felt to much and I just feel like disappearing..
It hurts to smile when you're hurting inside...
It hurts to laugh when you're heart is crying..
It hurts to just pretend everything is OK..when its NOT...
and it hurts...just to think about it....


I used to pretend and try to see myself ahead of years from now...
Its been so long since.....
I never did that anymore..
Nor put any hope since then...

I just wake up everyday and hope it would end soon...
The feeling to be in pain in order to diminish the other pain is strong...
I forgot the last time I took care of this god given body...

I have my own reason to feel like this...
Im not crazy..Im not disturbed..nor im not on drugs...
Its just a feeling lingering inside of me for years now...